Me: Good morning sweetie. Guess what today is?
Oliver: What?
Me: It's a new month today -- it's now May.
Oliver: (excited) Two more months!
Me: What are you talking about?
Oliver: Two more months until my birthday! I want a Halloween party...
Oh man. Can you tell someone is (and has been) excited for their upcoming birthday...that is still more than two months away!? He's been asking for a Halloween themed birthday party for a couple of months now. Something spooky. He wants to be sure he can bob for apples (like in Curious George's Boofest cartoon), too. What a kid!
Well, it's been over a month since I last posted. Naturally a lot has happened since then. Oliver continues to grow so fast we can barely keep up (and keep him in clothes that fit properly...really looking forward to shorts season). He's enjoying the Saturday morning Korean Heritage Program (we call it Korea School), swimming and Taekwondo. We celebrated his last year as a Cubbie in his AWANA program at church -- Oliver is beyond excited at being a Spark next year! We've been on his first school field trip, seen the play "I Love You, Stinky Face" and enjoyed our first visit to the local ice cream shop.
For those itching to see a few pictures, here you go!
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| Two handsome guys Easter morning |
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| We went to our local rec center to see an ice show called "Frozen." What we didn't realize: it was a series of recitals by local ice skating classes, not a true ice show. Oliver lasted about 40 minutes, but we still had fun! |
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| Silly boy in a tunnel at the playground |
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| Oliver's first school field trip to Coon Rapids Dam was a success! |
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| Every so often Tony and I get to do grown up things. Here is a selfie we sent Oliver while waiting for Mumford and Sons to take the stage. We had a great time! |
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| After the play ended Oliver got a chance to see the characters. His favorite was the dinosaur. |
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| Our local police station held an open house. Naturally the kids were quite curious about the jail and thought it was fun to go inside a cell. Praying he never winds up in a cell for any other reason! |
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| Cubbies award time! |
One of the reasons for the delay in posting (beside the usual busy schedule and minimal personal computer time) is that I've been...struggling. Big time. Since at least August I have had far more down times than up (even though I know God doesn't want this for me, I know my life is blessed, my family is a blessing and Oliver brings a massive amount of joy!).
For those of you who have known me for a long time, you know depression is something I've dealt with over the years. Using exercise and other tools, and occasionally seeking help when there's a specific issue, I've managed to come out on top.
This time around, I'm just worn out. The down times aren't usually fueled by a specific something. Rather it's a more general "failing across all aspects of my life" kind of thing. Not being the mother I want to be, the wife Tony deserves, the person God wishes me to be. Unsure of what I should be doing career wise. Making poor choices with my physical health (and not feeling well much of the time). Lacking conviction and motivation to make better choices, too. Often feeling exhausted, confused, unable to focus, short tempered...a ball of fun to be around, right?!
I don't have the fight in me to claw my way to the top, nor do I have the clarity to determine the right course or the motivation to get myself there. Some mornings I wake up feeling as though I've been hit by a truck...physically and emotionally. And for seemingly no reason.
With that, I have finally decided to reach out for help. I pray that the person I meet with tonight is a good fit. I pray that she will have Godly insight into how I should move forward, even if she isn't herself a christian (I am not going through a christian counseling organization). I am thankful for the patience Tony has shown me, and the grace Oliver has given me. But I know it may still be awhile before I start to feel better. In the meantime, prayers are appreciated. And I will try to be better at posting the fun times we have with Oliver, as they are many.