Breakfast for Dinner: April 2015

Last Friday was a big first for our family: Oliver's first sleep over (at Oma and Opa's) and my first full night/next morning "off" since taking custody.

Once or twice something has come up that made me consider spending the night away from home, and the very thought would send pangs of panic roaring through my body, from head to toe. Even missing bedtime or a morning hug is hard (though admittedly it is sometimes a welcomed break)! But, Oliver's been interested in spending more time with Oma and Opa. And, his attachment to us seems secure (aside from his desire to stay at his grandparent's house so much). So, when Tony's brother invited us on a double date and made a 7:45 (!) reservation, it seemed like the perfect time to give an overnight a try.

Leading up to the overnight, I was mildly worried about how Oliver would handle it....and very worried about how I would! But after a big day (including an hour at the Social Security Card Services Office) and an aggressively playful three year old, saying good night wasn't as hard as I expected.

And...we ALL did great. Tony and I enjoyed an evening out without having to worry about what time it was or how early we'd be getting up. Oliver enjoyed being spoiled and treated to special time with Oma and Opa. And finally....after 16 months....I had a full night without listening for Oliver, and a morning without responsibility. It was actually pretty darn wonderful.

Thankfully we did receive some updates throughout the night and morning to assure us that Oliver was enjoying himself. Here are a few of my favorites:

We owe a big THANK YOU to Oma and Opa for taking such good care of Oliver and helping him have a blast at his first sleep over. He loved it!

This is a long post, and a long time coming.

For a while now I have been feeling completely out of balance. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, at home, at work…across all facets of life. I know I am not alone in this, yet it feels like a very lonely place to be. Full of dissatisfaction, uncertainty, disquiet, unhappiness. Plain and simple: I am struggling.

My life isn’t without joy or satisfaction, as there are times of pure joy (hearing Oliver’s laugh, for example) and times of knowing I’m doing the right thing or accomplishing the right goals. Overall, however, there is constant nagging, knowing I’m not on the right path in any key area of my life. I have been praying (often a simple “Lord, help me”) and not hearing a response. I have been debating things in my mind and not finding solutions. So, I am taking it to this public forum to share my personal stuggles, knowing that they will resonate with many of you.

EMOTIONALLY
Depression and feeling down is a battle I’ve waged many times, and fortunately I’m not facing a severe bout of it right now. My emotional health is struggling due to the items below, along with a lack of feeling connected. While I am a tried and true introvert, I do value strong connections with people close to me — family members, a few friends, my husband. Right now it feels as though those connections are weak, tenuous. That’s quite isolating, especially at home. And discouraging, since connections are two way streets.

PHYSICALLY
My body is out of balance, that’s for sure. I am seeing an increase in severe headaches and illness. I’m eating too much and mostly of the wrong things, especially sweets and carbs (and emotional eating). I’m gaining weight in the unhealthiest of places, areas known for shortening life spans (and I’m sure my cholesterol is once again high). And, in part due to the headaches and illness, plus being Mommy tired all of the time, my workouts have decreased in both frequency and intensity.

I’m not respecting the body God gave me, of which he gives us clear instruction on its importance.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20: Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

I know what I need to do — stop eating junk, start making choices that will help my body be healthy, and step up the work outs. The issue — it’s fun eating what I want; it’s nice not always analyzing what I am eating, measuring portions, etc.; did I mention it’s fun to eat what I want, when I want? And there’s the whole “emotional eating” problem that seems impossible to overcome. So I’ll just sit here and snack while I think about what I should be doing…

SPIRITUALLY
Before Oliver came home I managed to find time to spend at least 10 minutes reading the Bible each day, and I was striving to do more. Even that small amount of time on a daily basis helped me to feel closer to God.

I’ve not yet found a way to do this now that he’s home. While I am praying on a regular basis, I’m not doing much else to increase my knowledge of the Bible, strengthen my relationship with God or trust in His plan in my daily life. I also don’t feel as though Tony and I are modeling our relationship with God and His role in our family very well to Oliver, who is rapidly absorbing everything. Not a good place to be as a Christian.

AT HOME
I’m dealing with the age-old “am I being a good mother” and “am I doing enough” battle, along with the “I’m doing the majority of the work at home, even though we both have day jobs” dilemma. Common, I know! In truth, I actually enjoy some of the home management “stuff”. If I don’t have a 3 year old tagging along, I actually like doing housework. I’m great at getting a meal put together with all elements being done at the same time. I enjoy trying new recipes. I like running errands during the work week when things aren’t so crowded.

I do get tired of the constancy of it, however. Of day after day without a break. And of trying to do that on top of working and all other duties. I’m also not sure I’m the ideal candidate for staying at home with Oliver full time. Financial reasons aside, my patience is not always the best and I get so very tired of playing…super heros, dragons, etc. I only have so much “playing” in me! And as much as I know going outside to play is important, it is very hard for me to set aside all of the to-do items in the house so we can simply have fun. I’m also not great about setting up play dates or meeting new people, so it can be limiting for Oliver and I.

With all of that said, my current work schedule of Monday - Thursday allows me a full work day to spend with Oliver. I value those Fridays so very much. We can make our doctor’s appointments, run errands, etc. We can go places that are usually packed on the weekend (the zoo, for example), have a Mommy/Oliver picnic or special adventure, etc. That extra day helps me to feel closer to Oliver and a little more in balance with all the home management work. In an ideal world, I would perhaps be able to be home a little earlier on work days too, but at least there are only 4 “crunchy” nights before we have a 3 night break.

AT WORK
Ok, I will begin with a positive: I have been blessed for the 11+ years I have lived in Minnesota to have a stable, secure job that has provided me with fair, if not generous, compensation. When others were being laid off or facing constant uncertainty, I simply had to take a few days here and there off without pay — but not for a moment had to worry about losing my job. Even when my employer of 10 years ended the part of the business that I worked for, a new, related role presented itself without my having to search for it. One that offered a 4 day work week and the opportunity to see a transition through for my pervious employer.

Nearly a year in I have seen the transitions through. Unfortunately I’m in a place where my skills are not valued/used, where I was never properly integrated into the organization, where I am not really welcomed by my coworkers. I don’t even have a job description! Many of my responsibilities are ones I was ready to move past at my previous job, so they are not holding my interest. Each day it is a struggle…to come in….to have a decent attitude….to not let things drag me too far down. One bright spot: I still love being involved with Minnesota’s entrepreneurs. I enjoy following their success, keeping abreast of the overall innovation climate here in town.

At 37 years old, I still don’t know what my “calling” is, or if I should find a way to be at home more to focus on motherhood, on Oliver. Both are things I have prayed about over and over again, with no clear answers.

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So, there you have it. The very much not all put together Tonya, though likely similar to how many others feel. I wish there was a way to easily resolve multiple areas above…with no extra work required! Or to hear God's voice through a loudspeaker giving me directions and answers.

I desperately wish for an answer to my prayers my worries about the work/home balance and what to do about my job situation. That impacts nearly every moment of my life, so resolution would make a significant impact on my own personal balance and perhaps that of my family’s.