Challenges #5, #6 and #7

In honor of Halloween:

And now, the final "Challenge" installment.

Challenge #5: Boundaries/Discipline

What kids are used to / adoptive parents are experiencing

• Children are unaware of expectations in your home
• Children are unable to understand parent’s cues
• Children learning that there are “rules” often for the first time

Suggestions

• First weeks home be especially responsive to children’s needs

• Primary focus is attachment and building trust with your child

• Over time will differentiate hunger/tired vs. grieving

• Focus on 1-2 challenges at a time

• “Baby-proof” before your child gets home as much as possible

• Be patient with yourself and your child

• Give it time

Challenge #6: Indiscriminate Affection

What adoptive parents are seeing / experiencing

• Children seek to have needs met by all adults
• Children desire to be held by strangers/older siblings
• Children are comfortable away from parents very quickly

Suggestions
• Prepare other adults for limited physical contact following placement..no hugging, no providing of basic needs by others
• “Hugs and kisses for mom and dad, High Fives for everyone else.”
• Keep children close to parents in new situations/Invest in a carrier ..to avoid people grabbing the child to hold
• Remain home with your child as long as possible following placement

Challenge #7: Language Transition

What adoptive parents are seeing / experiencing

• Lower production in general
• Not using words that were reported in updates
• Rejection of Korean
• Unclear production of English words

Basic words/often indicated in updates 

• umma/ahppa (mommy/daddy.but be careful) 

• Pahp (rice/meal) 

• Uhboobah (hold piggyback style) 

• kka kka (candy/treat) 

• Mool (water) 

• Ahpuh (hurt/ouchie)

Challenge #3 and #4

More on the challenges!

Challenge #3: Grieving

What adoptive parents are seeing / experiencing

• Crying inconsolably

• Crying/screaming/searching for “uh ma” (mom)

• Crying throughout night/night terrors

• Shutting down/withdrawing

• Clinging to parent

• Attaching to one parent/ refusing other

• “Strange” behavior 

Suggestions

• Give it time! Help them grieve!

• Stay near them as much as possible, focus on attachment

• Take breaks as needed, especially between parents

Challenge #4: Your OWN Grief

What adoptive parents are seeing / experiencing

• Still grieving about the long wait to receive your child

• Different parenting challenges due to age of child coming home

• The child you imagined may be different than after placement

• Your experience parenting will be different then many friends/family

 

Suggestions

• Take care of yourselves during this process

• Surround yourself with a positive support system, but limit the people who come into your home (support via outside visits one parent at a time, email, forums, or phone)

• Prepare your support system for the needs you may have before and after placement

• Connect with other adoptive families

Challenge #1 and #2

The Korea Program update meeting included a review of the seven main challenges families face when coming home and transitioning into their new life together. Some of the points are pretty obvious while others are perhaps more surprising. The social worker also included a list of suggestions to help overcome and move beyond the challenge. I thought I would share this information as it may help to explain some of the things Tony and I do (or do not do) after bringing Oliver home. As to not bombard you with too much at once, I'll break into a few different blog posts.

Challenge #1: Food

What kids are used to / what adoptive parents are seeing
• Kids are used to eating soft foods

• Some children struggle to chew/swallow

• Some children overeat, or refuse food, as a coping mechanism

Suggestions

• Talk to an adoption competent doctor/pediatrician

• Initially feed children foods they are familiar with if possible

• Slowly incorporate new/solid foods into diet, cut small pieces

• Offer healthy snacks regularly to decrease anxiety

• Keep snacks accessible

Challenge #2: Sleeping

What kids are used to / what adoptive parents are seeing

• Sleeping alone

• Falling asleep on own

• Regular sleeping times

• Falling asleep in a bed/futon

• Sleeping space (bed, crib)

Suggestions

• Co-sleeping (transitioning)

• Floor sleeping

• Taking turns as parents

• Using child room for other purposes

• Do not expect “normal” sleep rules for several months

Summary of the Process

You may recall that Tony and I attended a meeting at our agency to talk about the current status of the Korea program earlier this month. During that meeting they had a great slide that summarized the process of what happens (and why it takes awhile to happen) before we are allowed to travel. I thought some of you might be interested (possibly even amused) to see what it takes for us to get that final phone call saying "come get your son".

Above is a screen shot of the slide. Tony and I are currently in the upper left corner -- our file is hanging out at the Korean agency. Note that our file is a literal paper file, not an electronic compilation of information. 

Let's break it down:
Step 1: We are waiting our turn for our file to be picked up at the agency and taken to the Ministry so we can receive our emigration permission. A real-life person carries our file to the Ministry and diplomatically requests the permission. Once the file is before the Ministry, there still may be a wait of several weeks before the request is considered. Note that it is this part of the process that limits the number of children allowed to leave the country for adoption each year. There is a set number of permissions that are allowed, hence the long wait for families that have been matched with a child (more children are matched each year than are allowed to exit the country).

Step 2: Permission granted! Now comes the "unknown." I've talked about the new law that went into affect in Korea this past August. Family Court is that new step. We do not know what will be involved or how long this will take. Once the final approval is granted, another real-life person will pick up our file and take it back to the agency.

Step 3: Someone from the agency will take the necessary documents to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs for the travel permission booklet. This can take several days, or even longer if everyone is busy. Once completed, the file is brought back to the agency.

Step 4: More paperwork is hand delivered to the U.S. Embassy. I sure hope this person gets to wear comfortable shoes! We don't know how long this part takes either, but again it is likely several days. The Foreign Affairs and Embassy visits may require multiple appointments and might even require the Foster Mom to bring Oliver. 

Step 5: This is it folks! THIS is the circle we are longing to reach. The phone call that changes EVERYTHING. The call will let us know that in approximately 48 hours we can travel to Korea. Many parents need a few days to make all of the arrangements (travel and otherwise), some up to two weeks. 

We are told to expect it to take 8-12 weeks to make it through all of these steps. Fortunately we will be notified when our file is placed before the Ministry. There are a few additional steps that take place once we are in Korea, but the paperwork part (and court part) should be all wrapped up. We should receive Oliver the night before we travel back to the U.S.  Of course the process doesn't end there -- we have a few more visits from our social worker, some updates to send Korea, and finally a hearing in family court before Oliver is legally part of the Meyers' clan (about 5 months after we return). Those steps are at least a bit more understandable and known than the ones taking place in Korea. 

I hope this helps explain part of why the wait is so long and frustrating...and unknown. We received some other interesting information at the meeting, which I will post in the coming days. For now, I am going to gaze out the window for a moment and watch the big snowflakes come down.

The Things I Learned...

...at the Agency meeting last night.

As I mentioned in a post yesterday, Tony and I spent yesterday evening at a meeting focused on the Korea Program. Surprisingly there were only three other families attending: one family who accepted a referral last December, missed the "travel in 2012" cutoff by 15 days and are expecting to be in the first round for 2013; one family who accepted a referral in August; and a third family who has been waiting for a girl referral since June 2011 (the wait for a girl referral can be up to two years).

Here are a few things we learned that you might find interesting:

1. I've previously mentioned the new legislation in Korea that went into affect in August. It is an added step to the adoption process, primarily targeted toward domestic adoption but being applied to international adoption as well. The Ministry (in Korea) is working with both the Korean adoption agencies and the court system to determine the best way to proceed. They want to make sure they have everything "figured out" before they move families through the new process. At this time they are working out the kinks and it is unknown how much time this will ultimately add to the process. Estimates range from 1 to 4 weeks.
2. This new law will have a significant impact on domestic Korean adoptions. Without getting into too many details / cultural issues here, it will likely cause a drop in domestic adoptions moving forward. In addition, Korea will continue to reduce the number of international adoptions allowed each year. What doesn't decrease -- the number of children needing a forever family. A very difficult situation, indeed.
3. The meeting also detailed the specifics of the "getting ready to travel" part of the process. We learned that the process currently takes roughly 8 weeks, and they are anticipating that the added step will bring it closer to 12 weeks. It was surprising to learn that the various offices and agencies in Korea require paper copies of everything -- nothing is electronic -- and that an actual person runs all of our paperwork around to the proper places and people. No wonder it takes so long!
4. So, what does all of this mean for Tony and I...and for Oliver? When his file is sent for Emigration Permission (the first step), we will be notified. From that point forward it might be two and a half or three months before we've made it through all of the steps and are told that Oliver is ready for us to bring home. Ultimately, that means we will not be traveling in early 2013. Possibly very late spring/early summer (or later!), but not before. With any luck, however, we will receive the call that our file is on the move sometime in February or March. Of course we will keep everyone posted and, as I've said before, we hope to know a bit more about the overall situation in January.
5. Finally, I learned that it is likely that Oliver's Foster Family is Christian! We are quite happy to hear that. One of the updates we received noted that he goes to Sunday School, and the ESWS agency (our Korean agency) is a Christian organization. We learned that many foster moms are slightly older women who do it as an act of charity and in the company of their fellow church ladies.  :)

It was an interesting meeting and we did get an opportunity to hear more about making the transition once we get home. Much of it was repeated info, but there were a few good nuggets that were worthwhile. 

Package #4

We have put together another package to send to Oliver! Our most recent package included gifts from the grandparents and others. This one is 100% from mom and dad. We have a long sleeved t-shirt that I thought would look especially handsome on him and another indestructible book with photos of mamas and babies (one of those books that can't be torn or damaged).


We are also including a few items that we hope will help with his transition home, even if it's just in a small way.

• We are sending him a CD called "Wee Sing Bible Songs" -- and we plan to have a copy of the CD here (or buy it on iTunes). The idea is that he listens to the songs some while he's in Korea (even though they are in English, he can at least enjoy the music and beat), then when he comes to live with us we can play it for him here. The music will be something familiar and perhaps it will help Oliver feel more comfortable.
• We also purchased a set of four cars, the kind that you can pull back, let go and it zooms across the floor. We have kept two here and are sending him two. While they won't look exactly the same, they will look similar and 'act' the same, so again we are hoping to provide him with something familiar to his previous home life.
• Finally, we wrote a short note to the Foster Mom. We have been told that the Korean Agency will translate it so we are hopeful that she will receive a note about our appreciation for the care and love she shows Oliver.

Tony and I are attending a meeting at the Agency tonight and will bring it with us. They are holding a meeting on the Korea program to discuss the relationship between the U.S. agency and the two Korean agencies. I expect they will get into the new law that was passed in August and how that may impact those of us waiting. Finally, they said that they will be covering some of the strategies families coming home find useful in the first days and weeks with their new child. I hope they do get into those details! If anything interesting comes of the meeting, I will be sure to update you.

15 Month Update

I've been keeping busy -- we are in our busiest time of the year at work -- and while there's plenty going on, none of it has been "blog update" worthy. That all changed this morning!

Tony and I received the 15 month progress report (and we are officially still smitten with our little one). I've said it before and will say it again. Seeing that subject line and sender come through on my email makes my day. 

If I might say so, I think he's looking cuter each time we get a photo. See for yourself (more on the Oliver page):

Look, Ma - I'm wearing cool shoes!

Now that he's a whopping 15 months old, we have been told that he does the following:

• Has formula as well as 3 meals a day (including rice, dried seaweed, miso soup, minced beef and yogurt). Tony wants to know why he's not eating kimchi yet. I'm hoping that's one Korean attribute he doesn't pick up.  :)
• He is walking and running (Uh-oh! We better get ready for that!)
• He "throws a tantrum when he doesn't have his own way"  (he he he)
• Uses single word sentences
• Turns pages in a book (Yeah!! A boy after his mother's heart)
• Brings a spoon to his mouth
• Likes to be around other kids at Sunday School 
• and drum roll please...poops on the toilet! (actually states: When he indicates a sign of pooping, his foster mom gets him to sit on the baby toilet seat in the restroom and he does his business). It's important for us to remember than many kids revert to diapers when they are brought home, but we can always hope!

Basically he is a healthy and growing boy. We are so happy and so blessed! I can't wait to meet him.

In other news, I ordered a couple of adoption related books in hopes that it might help calm a bit of the panic that has been creeping up. This long wait has its benefits, but it also really adds to the worry/panic/self doubt. At least if I were pregnant I would have a set time frame to prepare (worry). The open ended time frame is some sort of cruel and unusual punishment! Well, maybe not punishment. He is, after all, absolutely precious and worth every ounce of effort! 

Until next time...