Challenges #5, #6 and #7

In honor of Halloween:

And now, the final "Challenge" installment.

Challenge #5: Boundaries/Discipline

What kids are used to / adoptive parents are experiencing

• Children are unaware of expectations in your home
• Children are unable to understand parent’s cues
• Children learning that there are “rules” often for the first time

Suggestions

• First weeks home be especially responsive to children’s needs

• Primary focus is attachment and building trust with your child

• Over time will differentiate hunger/tired vs. grieving

• Focus on 1-2 challenges at a time

• “Baby-proof” before your child gets home as much as possible

• Be patient with yourself and your child

• Give it time

Challenge #6: Indiscriminate Affection

What adoptive parents are seeing / experiencing

• Children seek to have needs met by all adults
• Children desire to be held by strangers/older siblings
• Children are comfortable away from parents very quickly

Suggestions
• Prepare other adults for limited physical contact following placement..no hugging, no providing of basic needs by others
• “Hugs and kisses for mom and dad, High Fives for everyone else.”
• Keep children close to parents in new situations/Invest in a carrier ..to avoid people grabbing the child to hold
• Remain home with your child as long as possible following placement

Challenge #7: Language Transition

What adoptive parents are seeing / experiencing

• Lower production in general
• Not using words that were reported in updates
• Rejection of Korean
• Unclear production of English words

Basic words/often indicated in updates 

• umma/ahppa (mommy/daddy.but be careful) 

• Pahp (rice/meal) 

• Uhboobah (hold piggyback style) 

• kka kka (candy/treat) 

• Mool (water) 

• Ahpuh (hurt/ouchie)

Challenge #3 and #4

More on the challenges!

Challenge #3: Grieving

What adoptive parents are seeing / experiencing

• Crying inconsolably

• Crying/screaming/searching for “uh ma” (mom)

• Crying throughout night/night terrors

• Shutting down/withdrawing

• Clinging to parent

• Attaching to one parent/ refusing other

• “Strange” behavior 

Suggestions

• Give it time! Help them grieve!

• Stay near them as much as possible, focus on attachment

• Take breaks as needed, especially between parents

Challenge #4: Your OWN Grief

What adoptive parents are seeing / experiencing

• Still grieving about the long wait to receive your child

• Different parenting challenges due to age of child coming home

• The child you imagined may be different than after placement

• Your experience parenting will be different then many friends/family

 

Suggestions

• Take care of yourselves during this process

• Surround yourself with a positive support system, but limit the people who come into your home (support via outside visits one parent at a time, email, forums, or phone)

• Prepare your support system for the needs you may have before and after placement

• Connect with other adoptive families

Challenge #1 and #2

The Korea Program update meeting included a review of the seven main challenges families face when coming home and transitioning into their new life together. Some of the points are pretty obvious while others are perhaps more surprising. The social worker also included a list of suggestions to help overcome and move beyond the challenge. I thought I would share this information as it may help to explain some of the things Tony and I do (or do not do) after bringing Oliver home. As to not bombard you with too much at once, I'll break into a few different blog posts.

Challenge #1: Food

What kids are used to / what adoptive parents are seeing
• Kids are used to eating soft foods

• Some children struggle to chew/swallow

• Some children overeat, or refuse food, as a coping mechanism

Suggestions

• Talk to an adoption competent doctor/pediatrician

• Initially feed children foods they are familiar with if possible

• Slowly incorporate new/solid foods into diet, cut small pieces

• Offer healthy snacks regularly to decrease anxiety

• Keep snacks accessible

Challenge #2: Sleeping

What kids are used to / what adoptive parents are seeing

• Sleeping alone

• Falling asleep on own

• Regular sleeping times

• Falling asleep in a bed/futon

• Sleeping space (bed, crib)

Suggestions

• Co-sleeping (transitioning)

• Floor sleeping

• Taking turns as parents

• Using child room for other purposes

• Do not expect “normal” sleep rules for several months

Summary of the Process

You may recall that Tony and I attended a meeting at our agency to talk about the current status of the Korea program earlier this month. During that meeting they had a great slide that summarized the process of what happens (and why it takes awhile to happen) before we are allowed to travel. I thought some of you might be interested (possibly even amused) to see what it takes for us to get that final phone call saying "come get your son".

Above is a screen shot of the slide. Tony and I are currently in the upper left corner -- our file is hanging out at the Korean agency. Note that our file is a literal paper file, not an electronic compilation of information. 

Let's break it down:
Step 1: We are waiting our turn for our file to be picked up at the agency and taken to the Ministry so we can receive our emigration permission. A real-life person carries our file to the Ministry and diplomatically requests the permission. Once the file is before the Ministry, there still may be a wait of several weeks before the request is considered. Note that it is this part of the process that limits the number of children allowed to leave the country for adoption each year. There is a set number of permissions that are allowed, hence the long wait for families that have been matched with a child (more children are matched each year than are allowed to exit the country).

Step 2: Permission granted! Now comes the "unknown." I've talked about the new law that went into affect in Korea this past August. Family Court is that new step. We do not know what will be involved or how long this will take. Once the final approval is granted, another real-life person will pick up our file and take it back to the agency.

Step 3: Someone from the agency will take the necessary documents to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs for the travel permission booklet. This can take several days, or even longer if everyone is busy. Once completed, the file is brought back to the agency.

Step 4: More paperwork is hand delivered to the U.S. Embassy. I sure hope this person gets to wear comfortable shoes! We don't know how long this part takes either, but again it is likely several days. The Foreign Affairs and Embassy visits may require multiple appointments and might even require the Foster Mom to bring Oliver. 

Step 5: This is it folks! THIS is the circle we are longing to reach. The phone call that changes EVERYTHING. The call will let us know that in approximately 48 hours we can travel to Korea. Many parents need a few days to make all of the arrangements (travel and otherwise), some up to two weeks. 

We are told to expect it to take 8-12 weeks to make it through all of these steps. Fortunately we will be notified when our file is placed before the Ministry. There are a few additional steps that take place once we are in Korea, but the paperwork part (and court part) should be all wrapped up. We should receive Oliver the night before we travel back to the U.S.  Of course the process doesn't end there -- we have a few more visits from our social worker, some updates to send Korea, and finally a hearing in family court before Oliver is legally part of the Meyers' clan (about 5 months after we return). Those steps are at least a bit more understandable and known than the ones taking place in Korea. 

I hope this helps explain part of why the wait is so long and frustrating...and unknown. We received some other interesting information at the meeting, which I will post in the coming days. For now, I am going to gaze out the window for a moment and watch the big snowflakes come down.